Wish... I were a rock

The past few days have been very turbulent for me psychologically. Have had severe mood swings, depression, anxiety to name a few. Well, life doesn’t always follow the smoothest tracks for u I guess. I have been sarcastic, rude , cynical to many of the people around me and I simply fail to fathom why? May be it’s all a vent for the frustration that has been building inside me for a very long time regarding my life, my career and my aspirations. I wanted to stay happy, at least to pretend to stay happy to people around me so that they do not feel the heat of my erratic behaviour. But, so far I’ve been unsuccessful at that. I felt like explaining things to them as in why I was avoiding them, lashing out at them and scorning them. They too deserve an explanation being some of my closest pals but, I feel I just couldn’t explain things to them. If only I could do that to them…..to myself. If only………

Well coming back to sanity, I have been tagged by Manish and Nidhi who have asked me to name a few things I hate. So here I go…

I hate myself when I behave this way

I hate myself when I sometimes have to be hypocritical in the name of adjusting to circumstances.

I hate myself when I curse circumstances for what is happening to me rather than introspecting myself.

I hate myself when I have to lie to people to make things easy for myself.

I hate myself when I label certain people as ‘mean’ going by just the face value of the adjective.

I hate myself when I make promises to myself and them break them with ease to make things simpler to me.

I hate myself when I fuck up things for no reason when I could have handled them easily.

I hate myself when I do good to certain people and expect them to reciprocate in the same manner.

I hate myself when I try to be an honest friend with some people and end up being just another friend or rather man in their life.

I hate myself when I cry my heart out for people for whom my emotions, my existence doesn’t matter that much.

I hate myself when I try to imitate others just to give a fake ego boost to myself. I don’t need to do that . Why shud I? I know I’m good enough.

"I am a rock" by Simon n Garfunkel playing in the background. I wish I were a rock myself........
That’s enough for the night . Sufficient tormentation for myself and to those who happen to read this piece. Thanx Manish and Nidhi for giving me an opportunity to write this. It was long overdue I guess.

Seen on the graffitti board in the mess.....

Violets are blue,

Roses are red.

I need some dope,

To clear my head.

My today's hectic schedule

Rang de Basanti (2nd time) + Ride around Lko on an open top double- decker bus + Chicken Wings and Chocolate brownie dessert at Pizza Hut + Chocolate flavoured cigar from a paan shack outside cinema hall + Daaru (read Smirnoff) session at hostel roof- top ( for which I'm dashing off rite now...)

= Life is Beautiful

cya guys later when I'm sober...:D

Classroom Musings VI

Trifle Wishes

I wish I were a toothbrush,

cleaning up foul mouths,

eliminating their evil clouts.

Making this world a better place to talk about,

Giving it's people some better things to gossip aloud.

I wish I were a stapler,

binding people together,

forging relationships forever.

Making this world a better place to live in,

Giving all it's people a family to chip in.

I wish I were a bus roof,

enabling memories to be written,

being a billboard for the love smitten.

Making this world a better place to look at,

Giving it's people some better things to gawk at.

( To be continued......)

Roobaroo.......

aye saala ....
abhi abhi huaa yaqeen
ki aag hai mujh mein kahi
hui subaah main chal gaya
suraj ko main nigal gaya
ruu-ba-ruu roshni heyy - 2
jo gumshuda-sa khwaab tha voh mil gaya

voh khil gaya uulon hathaa pighal gaya
kichhaa kichhaa machal gaya
sitaar mein badal gaya
ruu-ba-ruu roshni heyy - 2 .....

Cant' beleive that we still are making certain movies that can pump up the adrenaline to the peak levels. This one is one of the best pieces of art I've ever seen!! Though some people might differ on it but that's what democracy is all about. Isnt' it??
The means adopted by the protagonists might have been too radical or rather unjustified but that's not what it's all about. It's about dealing with your own conflicts going inside your mind , one half of which urges you to discover the true 'you' and take the course of your life in your own hands. The other which pulls you from doing such a thing and always makes you look for the 'safer' side.
When somebody tries to do the 'other thing',it's not the kick of doing something different that makes him do it , but the satisfaction of doing what he always yearned for. Atleast maybe for the first time in his life he's doing something for himself, something he always wanted to do but couldn't. He's no maverick or a fearless person or a high risk -taker. Perhaps, he's trying to be' himself 'and that feeling might have it's own fears and apprehensions. But , beleive me, inspite of all those fears and maybe failures, he'd still be the most happiest person on earth. Atleast he tried to follow his heart even just for once. For a moment his life was not guided by certain variables like money, parental pressures, success, fame etc. he's just tryin to be HIMSELF and that's what will matter to him the most when a few years down the line he'll look back at what he's done and what he could have done.