Wish... I were a rock

The past few days have been very turbulent for me psychologically. Have had severe mood swings, depression, anxiety to name a few. Well, life doesn’t always follow the smoothest tracks for u I guess. I have been sarcastic, rude , cynical to many of the people around me and I simply fail to fathom why? May be it’s all a vent for the frustration that has been building inside me for a very long time regarding my life, my career and my aspirations. I wanted to stay happy, at least to pretend to stay happy to people around me so that they do not feel the heat of my erratic behaviour. But, so far I’ve been unsuccessful at that. I felt like explaining things to them as in why I was avoiding them, lashing out at them and scorning them. They too deserve an explanation being some of my closest pals but, I feel I just couldn’t explain things to them. If only I could do that to them…..to myself. If only………

Well coming back to sanity, I have been tagged by Manish and Nidhi who have asked me to name a few things I hate. So here I go…

I hate myself when I behave this way

I hate myself when I sometimes have to be hypocritical in the name of adjusting to circumstances.

I hate myself when I curse circumstances for what is happening to me rather than introspecting myself.

I hate myself when I have to lie to people to make things easy for myself.

I hate myself when I label certain people as ‘mean’ going by just the face value of the adjective.

I hate myself when I make promises to myself and them break them with ease to make things simpler to me.

I hate myself when I fuck up things for no reason when I could have handled them easily.

I hate myself when I do good to certain people and expect them to reciprocate in the same manner.

I hate myself when I try to be an honest friend with some people and end up being just another friend or rather man in their life.

I hate myself when I cry my heart out for people for whom my emotions, my existence doesn’t matter that much.

I hate myself when I try to imitate others just to give a fake ego boost to myself. I don’t need to do that . Why shud I? I know I’m good enough.

"I am a rock" by Simon n Garfunkel playing in the background. I wish I were a rock myself........
That’s enough for the night . Sufficient tormentation for myself and to those who happen to read this piece. Thanx Manish and Nidhi for giving me an opportunity to write this. It was long overdue I guess.