Wish... I were a rock

The past few days have been very turbulent for me psychologically. Have had severe mood swings, depression, anxiety to name a few. Well, life doesn’t always follow the smoothest tracks for u I guess. I have been sarcastic, rude , cynical to many of the people around me and I simply fail to fathom why? May be it’s all a vent for the frustration that has been building inside me for a very long time regarding my life, my career and my aspirations. I wanted to stay happy, at least to pretend to stay happy to people around me so that they do not feel the heat of my erratic behaviour. But, so far I’ve been unsuccessful at that. I felt like explaining things to them as in why I was avoiding them, lashing out at them and scorning them. They too deserve an explanation being some of my closest pals but, I feel I just couldn’t explain things to them. If only I could do that to them…..to myself. If only………

Well coming back to sanity, I have been tagged by Manish and Nidhi who have asked me to name a few things I hate. So here I go…

I hate myself when I behave this way

I hate myself when I sometimes have to be hypocritical in the name of adjusting to circumstances.

I hate myself when I curse circumstances for what is happening to me rather than introspecting myself.

I hate myself when I have to lie to people to make things easy for myself.

I hate myself when I label certain people as ‘mean’ going by just the face value of the adjective.

I hate myself when I make promises to myself and them break them with ease to make things simpler to me.

I hate myself when I fuck up things for no reason when I could have handled them easily.

I hate myself when I do good to certain people and expect them to reciprocate in the same manner.

I hate myself when I try to be an honest friend with some people and end up being just another friend or rather man in their life.

I hate myself when I cry my heart out for people for whom my emotions, my existence doesn’t matter that much.

I hate myself when I try to imitate others just to give a fake ego boost to myself. I don’t need to do that . Why shud I? I know I’m good enough.

"I am a rock" by Simon n Garfunkel playing in the background. I wish I were a rock myself........
That’s enough for the night . Sufficient tormentation for myself and to those who happen to read this piece. Thanx Manish and Nidhi for giving me an opportunity to write this. It was long overdue I guess.

Comments

Nidhi said…
hey nice post :)

chill maar .. sab theek hian.. its a part of life.. speak ur heart out to the closest person aroung u.. and let those bad energies find a way out :)
tc
nidhi
Nidhi said…
its gud 2 know that u know what u dun like about urself.. u know what needs ur attention.. and what needs to b changed.. :) LIFE.. SIMPLIFIED :D

:) nidhi
Manish said…
Nice list fella.... :)
the best thing bout it was that... it told bout urself... it was nice work on person... and rather than hating other ppl n environment... neways cheer up... its all the ups n downs of life...so just be calm n go for it...
besties to u n get over the low feelin quickly
GBU n TC
Anonymous said…
tell u what, LOVE YOURSELF for this piece . A SUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT OF THE ART OF INTROSPECTION.
S
Nessa said…
Wow.. this was more honest than mine was, for sure....

It made me realise that I've skipped tonnes of hatred accredited to my own attitude.. haha!

Thanks for stopping by my blog :)
hey.. pagal hai kya? how can anyone hate himself so much!!! cheer up.. u r not that bad as u r claiming here to be :) this low-esteem phase will be over soon.. cheer up and see the positive and bright side of ur life..
Pri said…
Its whn we hate ourselves tht we realise we still hav a conscience...whts a person who loves everythin bout himself/herself...besides all these things make a person unique n each of us are special in our own way ...keep havi a reality check on urself once in a while..beleive me..it helps!..nice blog pal :).my first time on here
Lady Z said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Lady Z said…
You are being a tad too harsh on yourself dude. Realise that you are a human too,though tht might sound corny. The biggest mistake we make with our lives is not discounting our failures and seldom allowing room for error.

It is commendable that you are aware of your shortcomings,but you seem to be fighting between what you are and what you ideally should be.
Anonymous said…
hey.....
it was a very honest post....
but somehow i feel...u shudnt hate urself for everythin u do....i mean somehow it feels like u hate ur overall personality sometimes...
its not bad to react.....n u can always learn from all the experiences....
have fun....
Stop worryin....
take care
Chaitra...
(sorry m late as usual)

Popular posts from this blog

Classroom Musings VIII